The following witty euphamisms were passed to me by Hilary Johnson whose Authors’ Advisory Service I freelance for. Most of them, I believe, came from tweets from or to the literary agent Jonny Geller:

We don’t have sales numbers yet– trust us, you don’t want to know

I loved the opening– boy, the middle needs work

National publicity and marketing campaign– there’s no budget, so you’re on your own

I’ve read the book– I’ve had it read

Ebook sales are strong, please don’t worry– print sales are a disaster

This is too British for the American market– I have no idea what this is about

The translation is rather uneven– if it ain’t from Scandinavia, we ain’t interested

All our focus is on the paperback– the hardback tanked

There is such excitement in-house– my assistant loved it

Well-researched(for fiction) – maybe try writing non-fiction

Multi-layered– too many characters

Extraordinary breadth– too many scenes

Epic– too long

Too commercial for our list– I could have written it

Too literary for our list– too boring

At times exhilarating but tone is uneven– hysterical nonsense

Never quite reached the potential it promised– pitch better than book

I’m not sure I can get support for this wonderful novel in-house– a hotter manuscript has landed on my desk

So who were the underbidders (in auction)? – please don’t say I was the only person bidding

The book went for ridiculous money– we were underbidder and wished we had overpaid too

I think we (agency) can improve the terms in your next contract– was your last agent in a coma?


About ramblesofawriter

Writer, thinker, tea drinker.
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